probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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