tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
