The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
