My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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