Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
