I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
