i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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