Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
