Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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