I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
