Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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