that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
