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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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