when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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