I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
