wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize
