Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you win again, gameday.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
