I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
