you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My bed smells like the plague
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