just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
