he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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