her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
