Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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