do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Who died my cat blue again?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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