Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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