I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
