I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
