I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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