Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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