Can i not drive my cunt home
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
