So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
