you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
