I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
