If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just had sex on a roof
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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