We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
