And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
