Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
