My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
