its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
