Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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