What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
