If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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