Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
