Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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