I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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