We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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