im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
