he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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