she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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