Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
