i need an iv and a liver transplant
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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