I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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