Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
