I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
