They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
