So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
