My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i love accidental penises.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
