If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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